


The Alter Club

by Bingubiusrex



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Crack, pwease be nice to me this is my first fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-27
Updated: 2018-09-27
Packaged: 2019-07-18 03:53:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16110245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bingubiusrex/pseuds/Bingubiusrex
Summary: The alters are seemingly up to no good! Now, it's up to Gudao to figure out whats the haps.





	The Alter Club

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to arc and jack you guys were fundamental for the creation of this because you fixed my grammar if this gets made into a book ill give the both of you some money

“Look, I’m really sorry Gudao, but you have to be the one to do this.” These are the words the strawberry-blond virgin said to me. As the sole master of Chaldea, I have been given the task of saving humanity by gathering the greatest heroes from myths and history, servants. King Arthur, Nikola Tesla, Achilles and Chiron, heroes of such and even greater caliber reside here.

 

However, along with these mighty heroes come some... oddities. Darker, more sinister versions of heroic spirits have recently been summoned at Chaldea. These heroic spirits, well, are not as heroic as the spirits they are based on. They are significantly more evil than their base counterparts, and lack the sense of heroism the base forms have. These servants have been called “Alters” of the heroic spirit they are based on by Chaldea staff.

 

Recently, the Alters have been showing peculiar behavior. Every Sunday, from 7 to 9 PM, for weeks as of now, all of the Alters have been congregating in one of the spare rooms in Chaldea. No one knows what they are doing, and many of the Chaldea staff are frightened about injuries or worse outcomes if they intend to find out.

 

“So this is where you come in,” the lovable, but sometimes tiring Caster said. “We need you to infiltrate the room the Alters occupy, and we need you to find out what is going on. As their master, they won’t disobey you,” DaVinci said. I was doubtful about the last sentence. One time, the Alter of King Arthur, the one of the class Rider, smacked my kneecaps with her mop when I accidentally spilled some refried beans on the pristine floors of Chaldea. I understand that it was indeed my fault, but it does not change the fact that my knees and feelings were hurt.  
Nevertheless, I showed up at the entrance of the room the Alters resided in. Looking at the time, I was right on the dot at 7 PM. I knocked on the door, and was briskly met with the Archer of Shinjuku. “Master. What business do you have here?”, he said, without a moment's notice. I stuttered, “As a Master, I should be concerned about what my Servants are up to, and I would like to know!”Altered EMIYA look back to the rest of the Alters, and back to me. “Fine, but don’t be a nuisance. You may be our master, but you are only human. Remember that.”

 

And so, I walked into the room containing only the Alters, and what I was met with was more shocking than I could ever imagine.

 

There the Alters were, huddled around a table. Snacks were made and prepared in the middle. There were cards over the table, each in front of each of the members. However, something was off and I questioned the Alters about it. 

 

“Where are the Alters of Jeanne D’arc?” I asked. “There are three of them, correct?” 

 

“They aren’t here because we don’t like them,” said the altered version of Cu Chulainn, son of Lugh. “The older ones are annoying as all hell and all they ever spew is garbage about setting the world ablaze. And with the little one dressed in holiday gear, well, she spends her time with the other pipsqueaks around here.” 

 

Cold as ice. Just what to expect from an alter. 

 

“Wig. Anyway Master, since you’re here, do you want to join our game?”spoke the altered version of King Arthur, the one who wields the sacred lance Rhongomyniad. “Of course!” I reply, “What game is it?”. “Multiplayer solitaire,” she replied.

 

I am shocked to the core. Solitaire? Multiplayer? How could they create such a Frankenstein’s monster (no offense to the servant) of a game? Solitaire is a single player game, it always has been. How do you even play it as multiplayer what sort of dark bribes have these alters done?

 

“Um...I am unfortunately unaware how to play solitaire...um...multiplayer version, how does one do it?”   
“It’s the same as normal solitaire. We all just play our own game and the one who wins first wins,” Okita Soji alter replied.

 

That is NOT multiplayer solitaire. That is just solitaire with multiple people playing it at the same time. Has the holy grail corrupted their minds? What alternate histories did they witness where they believe this is considered to be a multiplayer solitaire? How can they do this to the card game loved by all? I am starting to feel like this was a bad idea. 

 

All of a sudden, a noise rang throughout the room. The altered form of King Arthur who wielded the sacred lance Rhongomyniad pulled out their smartphone to shut off an alarm. “Sorry fellas, but It’s time for me to go. I promised Mordred I would play catch with him, since no other Arthur here wanted to.” The other four altered forms of King Arthur shuttered at the name of the bastard knight. “Anyways, see all of you later next week.” She then climbed on her horse and rode out of the room, impressively limboing under the door with her horse. 

 

“Well fuck we can’t play multiplayer solitaire now with only eight people here, what the hell are we gonna do now?” said Atalante alter. Again I am incredibly confused by how these people are playing solitaire in a multiplayer format.

 

“Well, we can watch a movie. I found this while cleaning.” said the altered version of King Arthur who donned a swimsuit. She then pulled out a DVD of the movie Get Smart, released in 2008, featuring great actors such as Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I was amazed and excited to watch it again, for this movie is one of my favorites.

 

“Oh what a delight!” I exclaimed. “Let’s watch this right away!”

 

The swimsuit clad King Arthur then promptly launched into the DVD player in the room with pinpoint accuracy and the movie began to play. However, throughout the films amazing moments, none of the alters laughed. Not at any of the many hilarious scenes of the movie. Not at the scene where Steve Carell’s character accidentally shoots himself with a dart, not at the scene where the child is screaming for his mother to look outside the window, not at ANYTHING. I was shocked, to say the very least. I could not imagine what kind of being would not even break a smile at Get Smart, one of the most masterfully crafted films of the century. 

 

“So u-um, what did all of you think of the movie?” I asked quietly.

 

“Eh, it was all right,” replied the original alter of King Arthur.

 

“The Santa Clause was better,” said the Christmas themed King Arthur Alter.

 

“Grownups 2 was better actually,” said the swimsuit donned King Arthur alter.

 

“I don’t feel emotions anymore,” said the Archer of Shinjuku.

 

“I ship Dalip and Max together,” said the alter of Mysterious Heroine X.

 

“I don’t give a shit,” said the alter of Cu Chulainn.

 

“It was decent I guess,” said the alter of Atalante.

 

“I agree with Atalante,” said the alter of Okita Souji.

 

“OH MY GOD WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE I CAN’T TAKE IT!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Master, are you all right, I think you should calm do-” Okita alter attempted to interject, but it was to no avail. I was full of rage.

 

“HOW CAN YOU NOT EVEN LAUGH ONCE AT GET SMART. HOW. HOW!?!?!?!??!??!??!??!??! WHY ARE ALL OF YOU MEETING UP HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE WHAT IS GOING ON?” 

 

I breathed heavily for a moment and then stopped. “I’m sorry everyone, you didn’t deserve that. Please, excuse my rudeness; I will leave immediately.”

 

I headed for the door, but right before I left I heard a “Wait!” and EMIYA alter put his hand on my shoulder. “My apologies master, you deserve an explanation at the very least on why we are gathering up, even if you unjustifiably yelled at us for not sharing your opinion Get Smart.” 

 

And so, I sat down with all of the alters once again, and they finally explained why they have been forming this club of theirs. 

 

“Essentially, we’re just tired of being seen as evil. I mean we’re always compared to our ‘regular’ selves and people just automatically think we’re the evil ones,” said the original alter of King Arthur. 

“Like, the most evil thing I’ve done is eat too much food, the Christmas me wants to give shit away, the summer me wants to have a fun time and help clean, the nerd me is just a fucking nerd loser, and the lancer me is a good father to Mordred, which is still a ‘good’ thing I guess even though that kid is a bastard.” All of the alters of King Arthur nodded in agreement.

 

“We all share the same feelings the Arthurs have. For example, I just wanted to save children,” said Atalante Alter.

 

“I’m a counter force guardian I’m like fighting for the Earth that's a good thing,” said Okita Alter.

 

“I just have more depression than the regular me,” said the alter of EMIYA.

 

“What about you Cu Chulainn?” I asked the Berserker.

 

“Oh, no, I’m definitely evil; I just stay here for the multiplayer solitaire.”

 

I now realized that these servants were not altered versions of their originals. They are their own individual person. 

 

“Everyone, I-I’m sorry for the things that I said. You are all wonderful people, and bring forth your own unique skills. Please, allow me to come back to this club again. I do not ever want to sever a friendship with any of you.”

 

They all looked at each other and gave one another a confirming nod.   
“Welcome aboard master!”

 

Just as I was going to say thank you, a loud crack reverberated throughout the room. 

 

A piece of the ceiling fell down and from it a face appeared. A face no person on this earth could ever forget.

 

“JEANNE D’ARC ALTER!?!!?!?” I screamed in disbelief.

 

“Did you assholes really think you could have your fun little club without me? You think you could go on your little ways playing multiplayer solitaire and watching Get Smart without me? Well I think it's time to play a game by my rules.” She let out a devilish grin and unsheathed her sword.  
“Oh piss off Jeanne you’re ruining a heartfelt moment.” said the regular Arthur alter.

 

“Yeah fuck off you know damn well you weren’t invited cuz you’re annoying as all hell,” said promptly by Atalante alter.

 

“Oh that DOES IT. That is IT. You scum deserve nothing but the flames of hatred!” Jeanne alter screamed.

 

She leaped from the ceiling brandishing her sword to all to see.

 

“LA GRONDEMENT DU HAI-” Jalter was unable to finish her noble phantasm line as she landed on the heel of her left foot while the rest of her body kept on going straight down, causing her leg to create an audible, grotesque SNAP. The aftermath was her toes were now able to touch her knee. It was actually fucked up there was like bone and shit sticking out. All the alters, Jeanne alter included, were just in disbelief and really did not know what just happened. Then, Jeanne let out devilish screams in pain, finally feeling what it feels like to horribly fuck up your leg.   
I promptly called the Chaldea medical team(Roman, Nightingale, Sanson, and Jack), and they promptly escorted her out. 

 

“Well...um..now that that’s over...I can still be in the club right?” I asked the alters meekly.

 

“Oh yeah for sure.” said Okita alter. “We’re just going to pretend none of that happened.”

 

Thus, my bond with the alters, excluding Jeanne alter she had to get a new leg and felt too embarrassed to talk to me, continued to grow. I fully understood them and they understood me. Not as a master, but as a friend. 

The End


End file.
